12.20.08

i am sitting in front of my computer and I don't know what to say.  I have all these sticky notes on the wall behind my computer.  each has a quote or saying that I liked when i wrote them.  each is a different way to live so to speak.  

with out change there is no growth....

awareness releases reality to change you...

all of them are things like this... but why haven't i changed?  Why am I still doing the things I wish i didn't.  I am just the same person a little bit older, stressed and tired.  just wanting to be different.  you have so much in life that is all pattern and habit... this day is like this and like this and like that.  How do I change to be like I want.  I see this image in my head of who i should be and it is not like I am.  Why are they different?  This is all just a mess in a guy's head.  it doesn't even make sense to me now.  All I want to do is help make the world a better place.  doesn't everyone?  They say that too much of life is just waiting for moments.... Is my moment gone already? has it yet to come?  Or is it right now.  Like I said in the earlier posts....  The only way to change the world is start with myself.  all I know is I have right now... this moment is the only one that matters.... but man do I have a lot to change.

change

Change...

what is change really?

they say the only constant is change.

without change there is no growth.

i just don't get it.

I mean, every second 300,000 cells in our body dies.

and every second 300,000 cells are created.

they say that we get all new skin every month.

and besides for our brain cells we have a whole new body every 7 years....

so aren't we just a changing thing?

but why is it so hard to change other people??? (i mean we want to sometimes)

or even ourselves?

seriously? you hear stories of how people's lives have changed because of one thing or lots of things.... how can I find that seed or spark that will help me change myself into what I want to become...

"All the Confusion of my life… has been a reflection of myself… myself as I am, not as I’d like to be…" - Frederico Fellini’s “8 1/2”

what am I missing?

What this blog is...

so...

every one is talking about change. change this change that... but it is so easy to talk about it but I really want to do it...

I heard someone say... If you want to change the world, you have to start with yourself.

and that's what I want to do... don't we all?

"what man is a man who does not make the world a better place..." (kingdom of heaven)

so i thought lots of people read blogs... what if I made a blog where I posted things I wanted to change about myself and how I was doing with it... and then if other people wanted to change things about themselves they could do that too. and we could encourage each other...

there was this journal called the phoenix journal back in the day and it was kind of founded on this poem by D.H. Lawrence.

Are you willing to be sponged out, erased, cancelled,
 made nothing?
 Are you willing to be made nothing?
 dipped into oblivion?
 If not, you will never really change.
 The phoenix renews her youth
 only when she is burnt, burnt alive, burnt down
 to hot and flocculent ash.
 Then the small stirring of a new small bub in the nest
 with strands of down like floating ash
 shows that she is renewing her youth like the eagle,
 immortal bird.

Here is a link to the wikipedia article about the journal if you want to read more.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Phoenix_%28art_journal%29

I really feel that the world needs change... and I know that I am one guy who dreams bigger that he can act but if we all just change a little bit... change to make things better we can start to move in the right direction.

So I want to ask myself everyday when I wake up... What are you going to change today?

It can be things about myself like... drive slower on my way to work... go for a walk after dinner.... read a book before I go to bed... or go to sleep earlier... things like that to help myself... or it could be other things to help other people... drive slower on my way to work... or take the bus to work... recycle my paper instead of throw it away.... have more patience with others... take a homeless person to lunch... smile at a stranger... i don't know... you think of it....

but if we all made a conscious decision to change things about ourselves... (we are not perfect...) and we encourage each other we can make the world a better place....

I might sound dumb or stupid... i think i do... but I am going to do it anyway... because I think it will work.

what am I going to change today... I am going to start going to bed earlier... because I don't get enough sleep. we will see how I do.